We all know how it goes. You’re just back from your Christmas holiday, Easter break, trip abroad, tour of Italy, and whilst you’re feeling great you’ve spent a week away from those scales, and you get back on them to your horror. In my case, it was a week at home, filled with gin and sugary tonic, pistachio nuts, two portions of every meal and a hell of a lot of chocolate. I’d gained more than half a stone*.
The prospect of another long, sensible, boring diet hardly fills any of us with glee. I’m not after long-term, steady weight loss within healthy parameters for a full and active life here. I want to shift that Week of Weight Gain sharpish so I can get back to my usual life, and wear my clothes again. And there are plenty of options available. The Cabbage Soup Diet offers “Up to 10 lbs in 7 days!”. The Celery Diet will probably have killed you within a week. Both ming, and sound rather stupid.
The Obvious, Clearly Most Sensible Solution:
That’s when the idea came to me. The One Week Real Ale Diet. It’s perfect!
One week of eating and drinking nothing but Real Ale in an attempt to shift that annoying half stone.
The one thing that I have repeatedly found in my years of real ale drinking is this; you get full before you get too drunk to stagger home. And why? Many real ales are actually pretty solid drinks. I’m not talking pint-of-Guinness-is-like-a-loaf-of-bread sort of filling, but there’s some good stuff inside. And yes; we all know that alcohol is high-calorie, but there are plenty of delicious and filling relatively low-alcohol beers out there. The mild, for example, is normally only around 3% ABV.
And it’s tasty. No cabbage soup for me; same-y and dull and looks like some sort of penance before you get it close to your lips. Real ale is a treat! A treat I possibly have too much of normally, but a definite treat. Just think about that first nut-brown pint on an evening, waiting for you after work. Or pale-straw. Or creamy-black. That’s just the beauty of it; my one-trick diet can be enormously varied. The range of tastes in real ale is stunning! In one week, how could I possibly get bored?
What’s In Real Ale?
Shockingly, no one else online seems to have ever suggested the Real Ale diet before! Added to that, there’s surprisingly little information on the nutritional content of real ales, probably slightly due to the fact that many are batch-brewed and accurate figures are hard to ascertain, and mainly because no one really cares. Go on; try going up to your local brewer and asking him for a nutritional breakdown of your pint. You great pansy.
Some websites handily offer information on “Calories in Real Ale”, with no actual information as to exactly which real ale at what percentage. Neurotic women evidentally aren’t big real ale drinkers. Add to this the fact that English and American pints are different sizes and websites are shockingly bad at hosting their pages in sensible domains and we’re about stuck really. So, what do we know?
1. myfitnesspal.com tells us that a 4.5% pint of ‘Real Ale’ is 220 calories, with 20g of carbohydrates and 1.5g of protein. I hadn’t been expecting any protein, so I am pleased!
2. livestrong.com tells us a name for their one sample; Sharp’s Special, 5.2%. It would seem to be a bitter. 250 kcal, 20g of carbohydrates and 1.5g of protein.
3. feelingokay.co.uk goes and bucks the trend. It has more information, certainly, but terrifies me. A pint of bitter is 200kcal, as is pale ale and draught ale. Brown ale for Geordies is 160kcal, and stout (including Guinness) is 220kcal. Then we come to Real Ale; 1 pint, 440kcal! That’s double everything else. I have decided to ignore this site as I don’t like what it tells me.
4. I decided to trust thedailyplate.com, giving Morland’s Old Speckled Hen 229kcal per 500ml bottle., 18g of carbohydrate and no protein. The non-rounded number gave them credence, I thought. That, and they weren’t telling me it was 440kcal per bleeding pint.
That means I get about 8 pints a day to be beneath my recommended calorie intake. That’s a fair few, and surely enough to fill me up!
The Boring Details
My One Week Real Ale Diet needs a bit of tweaking before starting, though. Dehydration is a clear possibility, so tap water will also be allowed. Also, I have work and things that I need to do in this time, so I am insisting on being allowed access to black, no sugar coffee for those 7 early morning starts. Aside from that, I swear that nothing else shall pass my lips. I have no intention of altering my exercise routine (non-existent) or my working day (normally unproductive) or in any other way altering my usual course of life.
My starting weight is: 10st 9lbs
That means my target loss in 7 days is: 9lbs
So tomorrow, we begin! Wish me luck!
If you need me to tell you how stupid this is, you are clearly an idiot. The One Week Real Ale Diet is in no way a safe or sensible way to be consuming alcohol. I will be drinking far above my daily alcohol limit, and don’t advise anyone else to try it. For more information on alcohol and how it can affect you, please visit Drink-Aware. Thanks.
* That’s 7lbs for Americans, just over 3kg for Europeans, 2.6 lbs to Martians.
Topic: Personal Tags: real ale